Many of you have heard the concept of emotions as our guidance system. The inner compass built into our existence, signaling the way, if we listen. If an emotion speaks, then that is the unfiltered truth— first thought best thought.
The hard part is listening and trusting.
If we feel something as a first reaction, this can contradict what our mind wants for us. For example, maybe you are extremely tired and don’t really have much mental or physical capacity left after a full week of work, exercise, some nights out, and stress in your thoughts. The weekend approaches and your friends invite you for a brunch. It’s a Sunday morning, you slept a little later, the morning feels welcoming and slow— a perfect day to take some R&R for yourself with a book, tea, walk, etc. Your first feeling upon receiving the text was more of a retracted protection of your energy and exhaustion to think of socializing— but then the head chimes in, sometimes seconds later. “We haven’t seen our friends all week maybe it’s better to go, you don’t want to miss out while they are all together, it’s not good for you to stay in bed anyway and be in the house, what will you do alone all day?…” That is the exact moment the trust can be broken and the mind overpowers the heart. This doesn’t mean to ignore the head, but it can become a habit of denying oneself from your needs vs. your pressures/fears if you don’t understand the relationship between the two.
I often find clients I work with struggle with setting boundaries. We all struggle with setting boundaries at some point. A successful boundary doesn’t stem from reactive rules or conditions meant to protect oneself. Instead, it comes from an open-hearted yet firm approach—one that shapes the dynamic in a way that allows you to show up fully for both yourself and the situation at hand.
So how do you successfully set a boundary?
This is where everyone gets stuck— here’s how it usually goes. Something happens/ someone does something and shortly after, you leave feeling like that was not serving you. It happens a few more times and it really starts to get to you, to the point where you say ok I need boundaries. Next time that person or situation comes up you say “I need you to stop x” or “I can’t do x”. Ok, message delivered, a bit longer time and it happens again, you feel like you are scared to get in a fight or lose the integrity of your relationship/work if you say it again, and so the cycle continues. The frustration you are left with is a mixture of disappointment with yourself for not upholding the boundary and frustration with the other side involved. But let me ask you this — do you know what you needed in the first place to set that boundary?
Meaning, if you understand your emotional need behind the boundary, then the process to set it is much more rooted in you understanding why you are doing it, what you want and need, and how to communicate it effectively without going back on your word to yourself. So ask yourself, what do you really need in this situation? Why are you feeling these feelings? How can you create shape around your needs rather than draw a hostile line?
* In my upcoming project (stay tuned!) there will be more accessible worksheets and courses breaking down concepts like this and walking you through how to reflect and put in practice effectively.*
From there, you can deliver a self-affirmed boundary that is honest, rooted in respect, and speaking to your needs. How it is received is then just a reflection of the other. And that is the dance of trust and fear.